leaving Dallas for a while

We are leaving for London and Paris tomorrow. Even though I am super excited, the exhaustion still continues, but is not as bad since I remembered that God is God. I talked to my mom and sister about it, and they both said that they have thought I was over-exhausted for some years now, but that I always said, "Oh, it's just because I'm in college!" Or "It's because I'm stressed." Or "It's because I just got married and we never have down time."

It turns out I might need more than down time, even though some of that would be nice! Mom and Kristin both told me separately that they think I need to go to a doctor about this tiredness. Being tired beyond your years is I guess not natural. Steve says I need to read books about boundaries and saying no and not stressing. I really thought I was a normal, not stressed person, but maybe not. I thought my job of teaching piano just took more energy than other peoples' jobs, and that's how I justify being tireder than everyone else. Sometimes though, I just think this town is sucking the life out of me.

Anyway, boring...but I just had to blog about it because, since other people think that I need to go to the doctor, it is a relief to think that maybe I am not a lazy hypochondriac after all. It turns out that if I want to stay at home for three months and not see anyone, maybe that's alright. I think I will do that after we get back.

But I am SO excited to leave for Europe tomorrow! I mean, I will be. This post seems like a strange mix of complaining and trying to get excited. My intellect knows that this is exciting, but the rest of me is just tired. I am sure I will feel differently when we actually are going. :)

driving across Texas and random things

Texas is great. Where else can you just randomly drive past tons and tons of places that look like this? I saw all sorts of places like these in the last week.


Everywhere on the way back to Dallas on I45 looks like this these days:


Sometimes there are bluebonnets, a few or a whole lake, but always the greenness, the lovely trees, the fence, the sky, everywhere. Usually with other wildflowers, too.

A few hours ago, my husband finished taking an 8-hour engineering test! We are both so glad it's over, his studying took up almost as much time as a part-time job for the last 5 months. I made brownies for him tonight and ate a lot of the batter just now. We are going to Copeland's tomorrow to celebrate, and I am going to drink tons of Mardi Gras punch and eat lots of shrimp and pasta.

Yesterday, my brother's car broke down for good, (which he'd been expecting since Novemeber) in the middle of Texas, and he had to sell it to a junk yard in the middle of nowhere. It "threw a rod" or some such thing. My brother had to wait for 6 hours at McDonald's in a town called Gun Barrel City, until I could get there to pick him up. Even though he had a ton of books with him, and a sketch book, it was still a long day. My drive from Dallas to Gun Barrel City (never heard of it) was so beautiful, and I saw so many lush seas of bluebonnets, this is exactly what the road looked like:


Well, it was four lanes, but that was the only difference. And around dusk, I saw a field with no bluebonnets, but it had really, really big puddles in it, and lovely trees, so that looked like the Wood Between the Worlds!

Then I picked up my brother from McDonald's, with his two huge tupperware containers of books and other things that had been in his car. It was dark by then, and as we drove we just talked and listened to music, and it made me really happy to hang out with him. We went to spend the night with one of my best friends, whose birthday it was, and I got to give her some things that I had meant to mail to her. We saw her last weekend when we went down to meet Libby, but this was kind of a surprise visit. Surprising to all of us, and it means that I have driven some 25 hours or so since last Saturday! But driving is worth it, to see the people and the countryside.

This morning I took Stephen the rest of the way to College Station and came back to Dallas, just in time for work. We drove through the most wonderful fields, with magical-seeming trees and wildflowers and grasses. Those fields feed my soul somehow. It was so good to be out of Dallas. I don't really think Dallas deserves to be part of Texas for many reasons, but not least of them is that it does not even have the awesome normal grocery stores that the rest of the state enjoys. Well, neither does Ft. Worth, but it's at least better in all other ways.

I LOVE all the countryside in Texas, but north of Houston is one of the prettiest places in the spring and summer. It is a shady, glowy green, like I imagine Ireland must be, with flowers and wild-looking trees and old fences. I wish I could have taken pictures of my drive on TX30 from Huntsville to College Station this morning. I tried to find some kind of like it online, but nothing would really equal the trees. Here's what the glowy green was like, though. Even though I saw greener, this was the only picture that reminded me of it enough:

I think it's the trees and the green that gets me, more than the bluebonnets, even. And when there's an old house or barn or truck in the field, I love that too. This is what I miss when I am stuck in this town. I cannot wait to live out there someday and have a great big garden.

But if I didn't take these breaks...

...from posting, I would have tons of posts that look like this:

TIRED!! I have spent the last 3 weeks feeling very very sleepy all day and all night, and I have been very miserable, but had to pretend I wasn't, which was probably good for my character.

or this:

Why is everyone dumb?

or this:

I HATE this town!! I hate this wretched, wretched town!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why would anyone live here on purpose?

or this:

How does one stop hanging out with people with whom one has entirely nothing in common anymore, yet the people don't realize it. Only you do. You go, and hang out, and try to talk, but they don't understand anything in your life anymore, and you just try not to offend them with your tiredness or your difference from them, but they insist on being offended anyway. I guess that's how you stop hanging out. (for further and more articulate and comforting explanation, see here.)

or this:

Today I cleaned the house and went to work and came home and sat on the couch and felt lonely and sorry for myself, because Steve was studying, and I see him once a week, it seems like.

But I should explain that last one. He really has been studying a lot, but 1) I am grateful that he's going get this certification thingy, because it will be good for our future. 2) He is so diligent, I know he will pass. 3) He cares so much about me and our marriage that he does special things for me, like brings me flowers and things, to make up for not getting to see me very much, even though he's tired and busy. And that (his caring so much) is something that I can never be thankful enough for, and that I just don't deserve at all!

So it's alright. Everything will be okay, but I just don't post sometimes, because I am tired, and tired of the world, and I think everyone is dumb, and mean, and I hate everything, and almost everybody, and especially my students. And if I told you all that, you might be rather offended. Because I say it rather cuttingly when I am in those moods.

Speaking of the beach...

This is Rockport, my hometown where I grew up, and also where my dad grew up. I miss it so much and hate Dallas all the more because I have it to miss! (Sorry, everyone who didn't know, but I love to hate Dallas! I love Steve's condo where we live, and our balcony, and shopping all the time, but really, I hate this city. Even though I'm quite happy with my life in it.:) Anyway, this is a good picture of what it's like where I came from. My friend Liz took it the day after Steve's and my wedding, New Year's Eve 2006:



I never understood until I left why people love it so much and always go back there. As a kid, when I heard people say, "Oh I just love Rockport!! I would live there if only I could!" I would think, "Why? It's boring!" Now I miss it too. :) I am going there in just a few days!! More later....