25 July 2011

I'm 21 years old and have no pertinent thoughts or opinions.

Giving up is hard. It is especially hard for me. It always has been. Allowing people to think what they want without trying to force them to understand me has never really been my strong point. In fact, it's probably my weakest point ever. It's pretty clear what causes that weak point, when I start to think about it.

What inside me, besides plain old pride, could chafe so strongly at being completely and totally misunderstood? And I don't mean something I said, I mean my entire identity, person, purposes, meaning, whatever. I admit that it must be my pride that causes me to be totally frustrated at being treated as an idealistic child, rather than a normal 20- or 30-something adult, simply because I've been blessed with more imaginative excitement about life than the average 20- or 30-something. (although I think that depends on who you know. I know many people who are like that.) What besides selfishness could make me dread being around someone simply because they treat me that way? Why should I care so much that someone, perhaps through no fault of their own, does not know or care that I question and study and think to know how and why I believe what I believe? Besides, is that why I think through things, just to get credit for it?

Anyway, I'd like to shop to make myself feel better, but the budget for that is all gone this month. (Oh poor me.) And since I can't shop, maybe I could bake something, but oh, I can't because we're out of butter AND grocery money. We have eggs I could bake with, but I have to save them for eating, since my body will not forgive me anymore on the days I skip an egg, it seems.

This is a tangent, and we're far from starving, actually. This week, for dinners, I have the stuff to make pizza, lentils and rice, fried chicken and mashed potatoes, beans and cornbread, lettuce salads, chicken quesadillas, and that's without being at all creative. I have plenty of tea and half and half. And I really could make bread, and I have some jam. It's just I want to cream some butter and sugar since I can't shop. This is very, very good for me.

I feel better already, because this is simple. The problem: I'm upset because I'm misunderstood. The cause: not their misunderstanding, but my pride. The solution: to obey and learn what I know God wants me to learn in this and just let go of the pride.

What about if I just pray for the ability to let go? What if I just do that and then go practice? I did recently learn that when you pray for obedience, you get peace.

15 July 2011

Living in Worship

If I could just remember Jesus on the cross, paying for my sins, I would not have the pride to get angry with people for hurting me.

If I could just remember Jesus on the cross, there because of my inability to understand or meet God's standard of holiness, I would not be so upset when people misunderstand me. After all, I didn't understand Jesus.

If I could just remember Jesus on the cross, and the fact that I caused Him to go there, I would not be anxious about the future, because I would be remembering how kind He is.

If I could just remember Jesus on the cross, because of me, I would be so thankful all the time that I would not have room for worry and fear, prideful anger, or bratty ungratefulness.

If I could just remember that Jesus died on the cross for me, it would change my life.

It has changed my life that I know it, and remember it a little bit, but the more I remember it, the more it would change me. Is that what it means to be freed from your sins?

11 July 2011

answered prayer

I prayed for obedience and I got peace. I asked Him to take away the worry, because the worry is too heavy for me and besides that, worry is disobedience.

On a little road trip with my Mimi this summer, she told me of some times when she has said, "This was not where I thought I would go, but Lord, if you want me to be here, then this is where I will be." There are so many things in my life about which I do not say that, but instead, fight for the way I think it should be.

I don't know why surrender is so hard for me, when I know that God loves me and doesn't make a mistake! But the peace that comes from not fighting is worth the surrender.

07 July 2011

I just got home from the grocery store and I'm really tired and need to go eat a snack. I'd just like to take a moment to say how thrilled I am to see that not everyone dresses their little boy in bright, toy-print covered colors all the time.

I know it's trivial, but those pictures give me the encouraging idea I am not the only person in the world who wants to dress their baby like a person, not a doll. I know there is a time and place for colorful, casual, smothered-in-baby-print clothing. It's called home, and it's probably most of the time. But I'm hungry, I'm in an opinionated mood, and I needed to say this.