trust & fear

I am always excited at the beginning of a new year because lately, by the time the year ends, I can look back and say, "If you had told me a year ago I would be here today, or doing this or that, or whatever, I would never have believed you." All of those huge changes have been happy, good changes in my life, and sometimes I feel a little scared by that.

But God is not capricious, He does not have fallen human qualities like the gods of the ancient myths. He is good (Psalm 34:8), and does bless His children (Matthew. 7:11) and He does enjoy giving good things (James 1:17). But He is more interested in making us holy than happy. (Scripture reference, anyone? I guess it's more like a theme through the entire Bible, huh?) I am reminded of that by books, pastors and the lives of friends who are going through really tough times.

I trust Him to do what is best, but sometimes I am really afraid that what's best will be really sad and hard for me. How can I trust Him and still fear the future? Am I not really trusting? He has shown me that He is good and faithful over and over, and I believe Him. But I am still afraid.

I recenlty had a realization. This doesn't really answer my question above, but then again, maybe it does: From time to time, or in certain moods, I think about how hard it would be to lose anyone in my life who I love. I think about the loss of that relationship, that person's perspectives and humor and presence. Life is fragile and at any moment, we have to be prepared for that loss, or at least aware that it could happen. (I suppose it's never possible to be prepared.) But I recently realized that I never have to be afraid that I will lose the Lord--His perspectives, His humor, His presence. How basic, how fundamental to everything I believe, but I had still seemed to fear that along with the rest. Well, not consciously, but I had never thought about the fact. It was as if, in all my fearing thoughts, He said to me, "Here is something that you don't have to fear."

I am so grateful for that! But with the rest, I still struggle.