in all honesty

I don't know who (if anyone) reads this blog, and I don't know if those who do will find this at all relevant, but I am going to say it anyway.

I have always had many friends and acquaintances, all of whom are very involved in their work, their churches, their children's activities, their friends lives and their families.  It seems that most people I know have these many areas where they spend time and energy. These same people seem to have relatively clean houses and food in their refrigerators, from what I have seen. They seem to have the time to shower and make themselves presentable before they do most of the things that they do. They seem mostly peaceful, only sometimes hectic and too busy.

Why is it that I, who stay at home with my children all day and have idyllic picnics in the yard and clean my kitchen or do other chores while I watch them play outside; I, who only am involved in church enough to show up on Sunday mornings, why do I find it so difficult to find the time or energy for anything else? Our trips to the library or children's museum are few and far between. I don not often do "playdates" with other moms, because then when would I do dishes, or go to the grocery store, shower, clean out my daughter's outgrown clothes from her drawers, or do whatever else I need to do in the mornings before naptime? Why do weekly commitments scare me to death with their threats of taking over my life?

Perhaps that is over-dramatic. But my one weekly commitment is church on Sundays, and that seems to be all the structure I can handle. Anything more, and I feel overly tied-down. My time and energy only seem to carry me through the very basic activities of a week where we have no plans or obligations. When I try to explain this to friends, they have asked if I am depressed or need help. Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong that is making me have no time or energy for anyone but my own family? How do other people have time to have weekly play dates and regular trips to the library, and volunteer at church and everything else they do?

The more time goes by, the more I am learning to be happy with life being a process, instead of some stagnant state of "perfection" dreamed up by my vanity.  Some processes I am focused on right now are my house (and possible garden), my wardrobe (making it minimal, functional and interesting to me), makeup (always),  making music and of course my lively littles (wardrobing them, picnicking with and otherwise parenting them.)

It seems I write a blog post about every two years now. That seems to be about how often I have actual thoughts these days. The truth is, the last few years have been a tiring time of having babies and moving to a couple of different places.  Now that we are settled in our 1970's house, which I hope to slowly renovate/decorate, I think I would like to share my thoughts and projects again.  And typing feels good on my fingers.

Have a great weekend!